letter to gandhi

how do i call u, bapu, gandhi, what ever i know for sure you are not going to get this letter any way. then y do i write it. you know i have a habit of talking to dead people, like god they just listen, only difference is dead people have a history and you cant imagine the way you want it has to fit into that history.

let me give u the power to listen, and know my life fully,(of course u cant advice me or leak my secret) . now that it is granted i cant lie you know every thing, u know why this letter, but still i will write because u know to whom the letter is intended.

will call u bapu.
bapu i have a problem i like u lot but cant follow you. i am convinced of most of the things you say, (ofcourse i disagree on many) but cant follow. i try but fail. how did you become a mahatma, who helped you to stay loving, compassionate and  intelligent. i am intelligent, i dont doubt it, but i am not able to love, or forgive. i know what you will say, you will forgive me for shouting, getting angry and being mean. but i want to be like you (atleast to an extent). where did you learn, did prayer help, or having faith in god help. if yes these cant help me because i dont believe in god, you have to give me another way to teach me to love and be compassionate.

let us meet tom

i think u should have declared yourself as god, that would have helped me.
i know you didnt even accepted the mahatma titile. i know why, you were afraid that they will compare you, scrutinize all your deeds with the title and who ever had this title before you. they will tell you "mahatmas dont do this, do that" they will start talking, eating, only with the image of the title, any dissonance with image creates problems. one such dissonance killed you.
its not only mahatmas who face this problem any one with a little ideology or even liking for the ideology have this problem.
you see i love you (whether it is you or the image that i have about u is immaterial), and like any lover i talk about you, i dont miss any chances to glorify or defend you. it creates a problem. but they expect me to be like you, and follow you.  when ever i get angry they dont miss to tell me "you are not gandhian", where is gandhi so on and on even wearing modern shirt, riding bullet, talking about sex/having it invites such remarks. you and i understand how different we are from eachother, but that doesnt matter.

that is why you should have declared yourself as god. nobody asks the christian, muslims why you are not like jesus, or prophet.

calvin & hobbes

i can closely relate to calvin sometimes:
You need some dirty tricks some times to be virtuous??

Hypocracy-hippocracy

i organise leadership classes for the students in my organisation. i have always felt that i should not teach/preach something i dont practice. so for many topics i invite others to take a sessions, eg: fittness, relationships, anger management etc. i really dont think i am remotely qualified to take such classes. but i am good in ideation and visioning.

yesterday one of my staffs who is absolutely pissed of with me (naturally so) accused me of being hypocritical that i talk about universal good, citizenship etc but dont practice in real life.
now i know for sure i have never spoken about compassion, love etc to any of the students and advice them on personal life but i have always spoken about responsibility as individuals and freedom which i think i am fairly good at practicing

so here is a question, there are things you feel are important for urself and others but not you dont practice, should i still continue to talk about it and organise or should i not even have it in the syllabus.

a new vow

i know this blog is about my darker thoughts and actions. for a change i am going to post positive things i want to do this year.

a. Never ever get angry even if at the cost of work
b. Think less and feel more
c. Be sensuous.(no spelling error)
d. Indulge.

blood pressure

well i have high bp, 150/110
.
what could be reason

i am not a born leader

can someone tell all that i am not a born leader. though i am fully prepared to take responsibility of the leadership i cant always be a good leader.

some times i fail, i am mean some times, i get pissed off.

but i think overall i am learning.

leaders are not born they become,
morals are not just thoughts, but they the beginning of action.
being honest, generous and loving is not a one time activity to achieve it is life long process.
oh all understand this.

for some i a boss, for some i am manager, for some i am leader.

in my last 8 yrs i am yet see someone who is good to all. but i will strive to be.

dont eat sugar

i am remembered of the old story about the boy-mother-guru about the sugar eating habits of the boy and advice of the guru. This is the situation i am in. one of my collegeaus have been constantaly seeking my advice on managing relationships with his team and other. i can understand better, he is commited, passionate and expects this from others, when failed he gets upset and looses temper.

who else can better advice him than me????

well i am caught between the role of the leader(which is to advice him) and me as person (who is totally unfit to advice).

so far i have avoided direct advice, i have suggested a few names and training to attend

lost again

i lost my cool again, though it was after a long protracted argument. i should give it to myself i was actually not wrong this time.

any decent man with pride will loose up.

but i should not. let me hope and u pray. that i become a good person some day.

first cry in long time

sai is diagnosed with cancer, she may not live for long she says. we have had our time tough time earlier, but i had the courage to face it because of her love. after long time i cried, i cried in front of sir. but still i have my doubts about the completeness of the sorrow because i was completely aware of the sadness and the cry.

her love is frustrating, why cant she just be normal. (which means like me)

but i think it takes courage to love, you need to loosen up your consciousness a bit and think present. i dont have the courage to loose my consciousness and self.

if you dont, you wont get it prasanna, loosen up a bit.

elagiri

camp was good, but the last day i was not within myself. one part of me said what i did was wrong other part said i was right in not involving all. it was rude, but i could not have worked if freely. i felt like i was constantly being judged around.

it may be illusion but i think it is true. if some one who disrespects you and thinks you as hypocrite how can u function normally.

though it was rude, i think it was right. may be everyone thought i was jerk but if iam a jerk let them know i am, rather than faking saint.

Yea i am always careful about advising others about relationships, if someone comes and asks me that he has a problem with a person i simply give following advice.
a. do you think the other person is good and genuine and u trust him
b. if the difference is more with operations

if yes for both then he should work together

if there is no mutual trust i would like to stay away.

one year

looking back at the entire year, it both satisfying and disappointing. we did well in CIOSA and foundation.

but personally i think it is new low. i have been mean, egoistic and arrogant. i dont know how to be generous and forgiving

yeah head of the institution should be generous right but not sure how to overcome this.
i think i feel insecured of loosing control. what happens if i forgive, will they take advantage, will they feel i failed etc.

not sure not sure at all.

rubicon point

the anger has reached the rubicon point. i cant talk to her at all and involve her in the work. my pride is stopping me from involving her at all.
Wrote a long mail sometime back may be it was rude. but it is better. she may think i am a very bad person. it is better to think that way because that is true

i should handle the hate that cover it up.

god if you are there, help me with some love for others.

managing people

today i have been thinking of what some of my staffs had to say about other, it is interesting at the same time sad.

some of the project heads are just maintaining decorum that is all, there is no love or respect left.
some want to work alone instead with team, but complain about lack of team work.

sometime team work is seen as having good relationship rather than common goal, i should work on this.

how do i create a happy atmosphere